Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Zombies: The First Sign of Gentrification

Working-class homeowners (and renters) beware! Your 2,000 square foot double with detached 2-car garage is squarely in the sights of salivating condo developers. "Only 2,000 square feet?" they exclaim. "That half-acre lot could easily hold 5,000 square feet or, better yet, stacked townhouses with marble countertops, heated garages, and elaborate wrought-iron railing!"

That's right: gentrification nips at your heels, driving up land values (and hence property taxes), driving out the working class, and ushering in the fabulously rich (see below).

Though you may be well aware of the warning signs of gentrification (such as invading hordes of artists), I'm here to tell you that artists are not the only warning sign. You must also be on the lookout for zombies (also pictured below). Minneapolis is facing them down as we speak! Locals television news reports an incident in which seven (!) zombies were sighted (go ahead and click on the Zombies link and you'll see).

Once zombies start moving in to a neighborhood, it's curtains for ordinary, working-class, non-undead residents. Besides eating the poor residents' brains and turning them into flesh-eating monsters, zombies also drive up real-estate prices with their insatiable lust for 900-thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets, crown moulding, wainscoting, and Pottery Barns. It's even worse in neighborhoods home to buried celebrities. Ordinary zombies may settle for one bathroom per bedroom and only one jacuzzi per home, but can you imagine Frank Sinatra or Marilyn Monroe settling for anything less than terra-cotta roofs and 24-hour elevator operators?

I'm thinking it's a good time to stock up on chainsaws and flamethrowers.


Anonymous Zach K said...

Hah! Great story. But I've always sort of thought zombies would prefer deadwood over marble countertops.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Most of the Marble Counter Tops I've seen are set over shitty wood or composite material reeking of the plastic/formaldehyde smells.

10:24 AM  

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